Gira Hacia
The other day, I was feeling very frustrated about something that is so irrelevant and unimportant that I can't even remember what I was so heated up about. Sometimes I just get that way. If a lot of stress and frustration has been building up, then something as silly as not being able to get my hair in a bun will tip me over. When I was having one of these moments, my husband just came into the room and wrapped his arms around me and didn't say a single word. I buried my head in his chest and held on to him until I finally calmed down and realized how irrational I was being.
Spencer saw that beneath my frustration was a bid, so he turned towards me in that moment.
What is a Bid?
Doctor John Gottman (2015) describes a bid for connection as "minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill" (p. 88). When one is in need of attention, affection, humor or support, that is when they make a bid. "Whether they be verbal or nonverbal, physical, sexual, intellectual, humorous, serious, in the form of a question or statement or comment, they qualify as a 'bid' for attention. Bids may be thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations" (Lisitsa, 2014).
Turning Towards or Turning Away
Gottman also states that couples have only two choices of reacting to a bid - turning away or turning towards their spouse. Success and happiness in marriage is determined by how many failed or successful bids for connection we have. The more we turn towards our spouse in the small moments throughout the day will help when the big moments of conflict and trials come in a marriage. Examine the following scriptures and see how Gottman's idea of how these mini-moments can impact the overall level of trust and romance in a marriage (pp. 88-89):
"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise" (Alma 37:6, The Book of Mormon).
"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great" (D&C 64:33).
Clearly Gottman is on to something! Small things bringing to pass great things is an eternal truth and even research proves that it is a blessing in marriage.
Spencer saw that beneath my frustration was a bid, so he turned towards me in that moment.
What is a Bid?
Doctor John Gottman (2015) describes a bid for connection as "minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill" (p. 88). When one is in need of attention, affection, humor or support, that is when they make a bid. "Whether they be verbal or nonverbal, physical, sexual, intellectual, humorous, serious, in the form of a question or statement or comment, they qualify as a 'bid' for attention. Bids may be thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations" (Lisitsa, 2014).
Turning Towards or Turning Away
Gottman also states that couples have only two choices of reacting to a bid - turning away or turning towards their spouse. Success and happiness in marriage is determined by how many failed or successful bids for connection we have. The more we turn towards our spouse in the small moments throughout the day will help when the big moments of conflict and trials come in a marriage. Examine the following scriptures and see how Gottman's idea of how these mini-moments can impact the overall level of trust and romance in a marriage (pp. 88-89):
"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise" (Alma 37:6, The Book of Mormon).
"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great" (D&C 64:33).
Clearly Gottman is on to something! Small things bringing to pass great things is an eternal truth and even research proves that it is a blessing in marriage.
References
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide form the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony
Books.
Lisitsa, E. (2014, January 29). Dr. Gottman's guide to recognizing bids. The Gottman Institute.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-friendship-and-dr-gottmans-guide-to-recognizing-bids/
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