El Mapa de Amor

Before Spencer and I were engaged, there was a time that it was just me and his parents in the car for almost two hours. She mentioned how Spencer likes country music and my jaw dropped. What? My boyfriend likes country music?? How did I not know this??? Sure enough, when I confronted him about it, he said that he knows how much I love music so he had always let me play my music in the car. 

When I was with Melanie, my mother-in-law, in the car a couple of weeks ago she mentioned how Spencer would like this chocolate and mint dessert that we were talking about. I responded, "I don't know, I thought Spencer liked mints but didn't like mints with chocolate?" Melanie responded, "Really? I thought he loved it!" Sure enough when I asked him about it a couple of days ago he said he does like mint with chocolate. It's me who like mints but not mint and chocolate put together. 

Does country music and mint chocolate have a huge impact on a marriage? Are our spouse's dislikes, fears, joys, frustrations, aspirations and worries really that important?

According to John Gottman, they are! He claims that "emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's worlds" and that the love map is his term for "that part of  your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life" (2015, p. 54).

Why do we need a love map?

Gottman said, "Without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?" (2015, p. 54).

He also stated, "From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (2015, p. 54).

So, love maps enable us to love our spouses more and provide the strength we need to overcome trials and conflict.

How does one create and strengthen their love map?

There is an app called "Gottman Card Decks" created by the Gottman Institute (2018). There are several card decks such as open-ended questions, rituals of connection, opportunity, love maps, and more. Each deck contains its own set of instructions and set of prompts. For example, with the love maps deck, you take turns with your significant other reading the question and trying to answer it correctly. Here are some examples of the prompts:

What are some of your partner's favorite ways to work out?

Who was your partner's best friend in childhood?

Who is your partner's least favorite relative?

What is your partner's favorite holiday?

What is your partner currently most sad about?

What are two of your partner's aspirations, hopes, or wishes?

What is your partner's favorite tree?

Some of the answers to these questions will never change, but a lot of them can change from week to week. Humans are complex and unique individuals that are constantly changing, so the learning process should never stop!

This app is just one way to prompt the developing of a love map. Spencer and I will sometimes whip out the app when we are going on long road trips for fun. However, sometimes making our love map happens when we go on dates, right before we fall asleep, or even when we are walking around Target. 

I know that either way, we have been blessed by strengthening our love map. By knowing Spencer better, I am better able to serve and show that I love him. For example, I know that he loves not just M&Ms, but the hazelnut spread M&Ms. With that knowledge, I will surprise him every once and awhile with a bag of hazelnut spread M&Ms and he just lights up. This knowledge nurtures love and kindles friendship. 

References

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert (2nd 

               edition). Harmony Books.

The Gottman Institute. (2018). Gottman Card Decks (1.0.5) [Mobile app]. App store. http://apps.apple.com/us/app/gottman-card-decks/id1292398843